I am, and always will be, the guardian
Meant to protect your heart
Defend your innocence
And forever serve the light
My soft touch will heal your body
My lilting voice will soothe your soul
My caring eyes will give you strength
My white wings will protect you from darkness
I will help you to continue on
Through darkness, heartache, pain
Heal what the dark has done unto you
Always be near when you call
I will watch as you walk away from me
With happiness in your soul again
For this is what brings me true delight
To guide the lost, to lead the followers
I ask nothing from you in return
Though some wish to bruise my body
I will stand tall for those who need me
The lost souls within the last world
I remain alone, I stand alone
What I am is both a gift, a curse
And in order to protect you
I must defend myself
It's not fair
Why aren't we all the same?
When will we be equal?
Why are these rules so lame?
We all deserve marriage
No matter who we are
We all need are ride in a carriage
It is so sad
How we treat each other
We are all the same as one another
I heard that when eagles mate,
They will call each other,
And then show off with swoops and cartwheels in the air,
Finally, they fly high and lock talons,
From there they plummet to the Earth,
Only separating seconds before hitting the bone-breaking ground.
That's not much different than humans,
We tease and talk to each other,
Show off with handstands and punches,
Then we lock fingers and free fall through the most exciting years of our lives,
Only ending in death or divorce.
For eagles, it's only a few minutes,
For humans it's decades.
What is a heart when it is true,
Does it consist more to who you give it to,
What about all the promise, love, and care,
Is this really going to get me anywhere,
Who do you give it to?
How do you know?
Is it the thought that counts,
Or is it for show,
I want the answers to the questions i ask,
Then i can reveal the true face from under the mask,
My heart may be black,
But i hope you never give it back,
So here's my heart from me to you,
I hope you give me your heart too
Help me,
please help me,
I feel like I'm going to brake.
I don't know what it is,
but it hurts,
it's causing so much pain.
I'm feeling so alone
like no one understands.
Can they see it?
They'll never see it.
Do they understand?
They'll never understand.
I'd tell you if I knew
but I'm just so confused.
Am I happy?
Am I sad?
Do I want to try to stand?
How can I live like this?
How can I think like this?
So help me,
give me a hand,
help me stand.
Help me.
Second Chances
The counsellor shuffled through the various forms on her desk. Forms that I had filled up not fifteen minutes ago.
"So, lets start from the beginning… This surely didn't just happen out of the blue…"
I nodded. "It did not. It started from day one…"
--------Flashback--------
It
basically all started when he selected me to be his rider. The first
thing he did was to point out every single observable flaw that I
possessed. Not a single wrinkle or crease was spared. Some high
expectations dragon he was. However, back then, I still had hopes that
he would drop the high expectations eventually, when we got to know each
other better…
It didn't take long for me to realise that that one hope was both unrealistic and in vain.
Don't
get me wrong, he was one hell of a companion, minus the cutting
remarks. He always tried to be the best he could in everything, and I
followed suit… I guess my best wasn't enough.
This is because one thing about being bonded to someone else mentally is that you know when they mean something they say.
And he meant every damn thing he said to me.
Even if it hurt, and even when I pointed out that it was untrue. He never once apologised for anything.
At
first, I just took it all, and just let it go. He was just being The
High Expectations Dragon afterall. However, eventually, I began to fight
back, especially when his remarks were inaccurate, or plain insulting. I
argued with him often, and we often argued till late at night.
Yes, I know, we sound like a couple.
He said that once. But then again, he says a lot of things.
He
had something to say about everything. Everything. From my grades to my
choice of pen. From my decision to learn to drive to my studying style.
HE even went so far as to accuse me of neglecting him.
Of course, it came to a point where I no longer cared what he said.
And
to set the record straight, I did not neglect him, but that didn't stop
him from forcing me to skip school to do pointless things with him. As
much as I know the importance of the well-being of one's dragon, I also
had to juggle my studies on top of that. It doesn't help that I'll be
sitting for the national exams later this year.
Since its like 3
months to the exam, I'd obviously devote more time to my studies, and
obviously he wasn't happy, which led to his decision to make me stay at
home. Of course, this had repercussions. My grades are now shit. Out of
my five subjects, I've only managed to pass two. TWO. I can't even get
into the shittiest course in the shittiest university with that.
On
top of that, the cutting remarks didn't stop. By then, I had more or
less given up arguing. I would only say one line to set the record
straight, then walk off. Why bother, you'd ask. Simple. As much as I was
starting to dislike him, even hate him, I still cared about him and
what he thought about me.
Though, of course, my now being in a counsellor's office just means that I completely stopped caring.
I snapped just a week before that.
He
had made a very cutting remark about my intelligence, and how it had
deteriorated and how my grades and inability to argue was a testament to
that.
Ohh and cut it did. That particular remark bloody well burned, and it was the last damned straw.
Instead of saying anything, I found that I couldn't be bothered anymore.
I don't even know why he bothered to take an inferior piece of crap like me as a rider anyway.
Instead,
I simply turned my back and walked off. He did shout something after
me, but I'll be damned if I cared about what he had to say. For that
matter, I found that his opinion of me no longer mattered either.
Of course, its not the first time I walked off on him. But usually, I would come back after having cooled down somewhere.
This
time, I walked to the bus stop and caught a bus home. I knew that he
would come after me sooner or later, but I simply didn't care.
I
went home and looked around, looking for my notes, that had lain unused
for a long time. It was time to study and at least salvage my grades. I
dusted off the notes, which I hadn't had time to touch thanks to the
dragon, and set them on the table.
I then grabbed a piece of
rough paper and scribbled a note to him. Yes, he wasn't even worth a
piece of foolscap paper to me now.
This is what I wrote:
"To the dragon:
It
has come to my attention how unsatisfactory I have been to you as a
rider, thus, I have come to make a decision. This is because on top of
your dissatisfaction, I have grouses of my own. Ever since I accepted
you, I have spent almost all my free time with you, and as a result, my
grades have gone down the shitter. I have decided that it is in our
mutual interest to terminate this relationship.
Signed, your ex-rider"
At
the time I wrote this, I was so numb that I didn't feel anything. Not
after all those insults and remarks. I simply wrote it and blocked my
end of the bond off.
I pasted the note on the house gate and went back in to get my work done.
He only read it when I was in the middle of dinner. Of course, he kicked up a bloody big fuss.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" He bellowed from outside.
"Precisely
what is written there. Now get lost." I shouted from inside the house,
not wanting to go out and look at his damn muzzle.
Of course, he
wasn't going to let it go like that. He sat himself outside the house
for two days straight, hoping that I would change my mind. He kept
looking in my window while I was studying. I shut the curtains.
I just wanted him gone, and I still do.
Eventually,
he gave up and left me alone, and I went back to school. It was the
first time in months that I set foot on the campus, and I damn well felt
like kissing the crumbling school buildings. My teachers were extremely
surprised, for on record, I was on study leave for goodness knows how
long.
All I told them that it was 'a long story that I don't want
to talk about…' Most of the teachers got the message and left me alone.
Except my form teacher, who probably sensed that something was
wrong. He is a nice guy, and he cares for his students I guess… He tried
talking to me, but I kept my yap shut.
Of course, the dragon probably went back to the headquarters to get help.
So, the letter came, summoning me to go there for counselling sessions, and perhaps to mend the relationship.
-------end flashback---
"And
so here I am." I finished, not noticing that tears had begun to roll
down my face. I nearly choked on those words, as my mind pulled me back
to the here and now.
The counsellor, a Miss Lim nodded and jotted down more notes. "So it was the remarks?"
"Yes.
Obviously. I don't appreciate neither being called an idiot, nor having
my life choices questioned even after heavy justification." I snapped,
and immediately regretted my tone. It wasn't her fault.
She nodded. "I understand… Try to relax…" Her tone was comforting, and I tried to calm down.
"Can
I go now?" was my only response. I just wanted to go home… I didn't
want to talk about this in the first place, but I had decided to open up
as I didn't want it hanging over me.
She shook her head. "Your dragon has been diagnosed with a rare behavoral disorder. That is why he kept making cutting remarks."
"That
makes no sense. He meant what he said. If it was a disorder, he
wouldn't have meant them. Besides, he isn't my problem anymore."
"That
was part of the disorder. He ends up saying and doing things that he
may not mean, but his thought process apparently convinces him that he
does." She continued, ignoring the latter end of my remark.
I shruged. "And I should care because…?"
"He
wants you back as his rider, and wants you to forgive him. He is
currently undergoing therapy to remedy the disorder. He will be better
in a few weeks and hopefully cured in a few months."
"pffft. I washed my hands of him a week ago. I'm not going back." Came my blunt reply as I got up, ready to leave.
"He said that he knew that you'd probably say something like that… That's why he is waiting outside to speak to you."
"Tell him not to bother. I have nothing to say to him, and have no intension of listening to what eh has to say."
"He was quite fixated on the idea. He's already outside…"
I shrugged. "Too bad. I'm not going to listen. Good day, Miss Lim."
I then walked out, with Miss Lim shaking her head sadly in her office…
I walked out the main doors and true enough, the dragon was waiting.
I just walked past him as if I didn't know him. In a sense, that was probably true.
"Wait! At least hear me out!"
I
ignored him and walked on, while plugging in my earphones and putting
on some loud music. It pretty much drowned out everything he said,
strangely enough. Dragons did have voices that matched their size…
I
knew that he was following me up to the end of the road in the compound
and to the main gate. There, I got irritated. I took out the rider ID
card that I had been given on day one and snapped it into two in front
of him, and threw the pieces at him.
"It's over." I snapped coldly, a sense of finality in my tone, and walked out the gate.
I
could hear his keening two blocks down, yet somehow or other, I
couldn't get myself to care. Granted, some tiny part of me still wanted
to go back and give him another chance, but that tiny part was quashed
by the rest of my mind, under the memories of all those insults that I
had been subject to, and all the things he had forced me to do.
Voluntary or not, it didn't matter to me.
What's done is done. The damage had already been wrought.
I'll bloody well be damned before I go back.
But then again, I was damned childish to think that he would just give up like that.
I
walked home to find him waiting outside the house. He looked
practically distraught and kept looking up the road for me to stroll in…
The moment he saw me, he started talking again. "Look, I know that you're angry…"
I couldn't help but retort. "Angry?! ANGRY?! THAT'S THE BLOODY UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE BLOODY YEAR!"
He dipped his head, presumably in shame. " I…I..know… I'm sorry…"
"Are
you deaf? I already told you, ITS OVER." I snapped, and pointed at a
random direction away from the house. "Now get your sorry arse out of my
sight before I do something really stupid."
He refused to budge.
I just threw an exasperated sigh in his general direction and stomped
past him, into the house. I stepped on his tail at some point, but I
honestly couldn't care less. If anything, he's lucky that I didn't tap
dance on that damned thing.
He tried to say something again, but I
slammed the door in his muzzle before he could get a word out. Knowing
that he knew how to open the door, I locked it as well. I returned to my
room and slammed the windows shut and closed the curtains.
I then proceeded to bury myself in work to take my mind off the raging maelstrom of emotions I was experiencing.
His sincerity was painfully obvious, yet I just didn't want to have anything to do with him…
I
made up my mind, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get anything done
with this new thing hanging over me. I walked out, intending to speak to
him, only to find that he was gone. Apparently my previous message had
gotten across…
Then suddenly, I was airborne, in his claws.
Apparently not…
He placed me on his back, in my usual spot.
I
was more shocked than anything, having been suddenly plucked off the
ground like that. I wanted to say something, yet found that my voice had
deserted me…
After a few minutes of silent flying, we landed on
an island not far from the mainland. Of course, we haven't left the
country. He had more sense than to cross the border.
He placed me gently on the ground and proceeded to lie in front of me.
All I could muster was "What the hell…?"
"It's the only way I can get you to listen…"
To that, I had no response, for it was the truth. I hadn't given him a chance to say his piece.
"I
know that I said many very hurtful things to you before… and I
apologise. I truly didn't mean any of it, and as you know, I'm
undergoing treatment to ensure that it won't happen again… And for what
it's worth, you are a very good rider, and I truly want you back… I know
that I went too far with my demands in the past, and again, I
apologise… So, please, give me another chance…"
I glanced behind him, at the mainland in the distance. "You're not giving me much of a choice."
"I'll
still carry you back if you say no, and that will be the last you see
of me…" He choked up as he spoke, and dipped his head, holding back
tears…
I sighed. It pulled at even my heartstrings to see him like that… And to be honest, I didn't quite know what to do…
I ended up sitting there staring at him while mulling things over for what seemed like an eternity.
It struck me how beautiful his bronze scales looked as they sparkled in the late afternoon sun…
Eventually,
soaked in perspiration thanks to the heat, I got up, having made a
decision. The dragon in question, a certain Nozdormu, also known as Noz
for short, had curled up quietly to one side, facing away from me.
I walked up to him and placed a hand on his side.
He blinked and looked at me. "You have reached a decision?"
I nodded. "You have your chance, but one step over the line, just one and out you go. Got it?"
He nodded quickly, and proceeded to knock me over with a caressing nudge. "Understood. I won't let that happen."
"Now, can we go back, it's so damn hot here…"
"But that's why it's nice!"
"For you, you oversized lizard. Not for me. Besides, I don't want to have you grumbling about my sweat later on…"
He
snorted and picked me up. We then flew back to the house. There, I took
a bath and went back to my books (I still had a lot of catching up to
do). Of course, I soon realised that he really did feel neglected, for I
spent a good three hours poring over notes for the various subjects,
but at least he didn't say anything…
Instead, I packed up my
things and proceeded to sit outside, and used one of the picnic tables
in the front yard to do the work, while he lay next to me. At least now
he didn't feel as lonely.
Eventually, he took an interest in
what I was studying, and I ended up teaching him the subject, which sped
my revision along by a lot, while keeping him occupied…
At least there was a feasible future for the two of us now…
When will you stop wearing your mask?
When will you stop hiding from everything?
When will you stop acting like everything's okay,
When it actually isn't?
When will you realise,
That this is only a temporary solution?
When will you accept,
That you have to stop lying?
Do you even want to take off your mask?
You've buried yourself in fake smiles.
Do you even realise what you've become?
You're suffocating in these lies.
Are you the one to blame for this?
Or is someone else's fault?
Falling, falling, falling,
Endlessly into darkness.
Endlessly into darkness,
That is your lies.
It all started back then,
When your heart was smashed into pieces.
You thought you could push it aside,
And it would go away quietly.
To make sure people wouldn't worry,
You'd smile and say "I'm fine."
You'd laugh and grin so much,
That no-one would see your lie.
Now, looking deep down inside,
You realise that it is not real.
You are not okay.
You are still broken.
No matter how much you smile,
No matter how much you make yourself laugh,
No matter how much you push it away,
The pain will still be there.
But don't fret,
Don't drown yourself in it.
Because someone,
Someday,
Will come and pick the broken pieces up again.
They will light up your world.
They will destroy all the pain and sadness.
And once that happens, you'll realise…
…That you are actually smiling for real.
Another lonely day,
You've gone away,
I'm left alone,
I guess i should be used to this by now...
It's my own fault,
I pushed you away,
As far as i could...
But baby,
You have too see,
If i could,
I would give you my entire world.
I push you away,
You pull me close,
I want this so bad...
But i can't hurt you no more.
Go your own way,
Walk into the sunset without me,
This darkness is where i am supposed to be.
Sometimes love,
It's simply not all fairy tales and unicorns,
Sometimes,
It's putting their well being and happiness before yourself.
It's another lonely day,
I am sat here alone,
My hood up, The light off.
And i keep going,
As you skip away,
Skip away into the deep red,
Sunset...
May the sun disappear behind the towers.
Dusk is the time we'll desire.
Grab my hand and look in my eyes,
I can't lie in the darkness, right?
The mirror shattered in million pieces,
And we're sucked in every shard.
May the light never reflect or come back,
We don't need to know who we are in the night.
I see you're afraid of these shadows,
While you've blamed me for being a wimp.
It's already forgiven, as long as you hold on.
I was only scared of myself, I suppose.
Trust me, the blackness is less eerie.
After all, in the brightness we can see blood,
Always spilled, nightmares creating before our eyes.
I'll prefer be blinded by the dullness.
So follow the sound of our footsteps,
And track down the candle in our eyes.
The corruption is only beginning at dawn.
It doesn't matter what you are, in our night.
